STATED ACCOUNT OF EVENTS TAKING PLACE ON 16 MARCH, 2001 – AN INCIDENT INVOLVING MRS. MARIE PIERDENT AND SON, 1400 BLOCK OF V STREET, NW WASHINGTON DC, 2006. DEPICTIONS OF ANIMALISTIC CRUELTY BETWEEN HUMANS, BRUTAL CYNICISM AND APATHY, CHILD ABUSE, NEGLIGENCE OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY IN REGARDS TO SSX CABLE CO, A SUBSIDARY OF CLEARCHANNEL CORPORATION [COMPLAINTS FILD: NO. 41; FAILURE TO UPHOLD REGULATIONS IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE HUMANE TELEVISION AND MEDIA ACT, PASSED INTO LAW BY UNITED STATES CONGRESS, APRIL 15, 1999; NO 42; IMPROPER CONDUCT BY EMPLOYEE OF SSX CABLE CO, A SUBSIDARY OF CLEARCHANNEL CORPORATION, STATED IN THE SSX CABLE CO EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK, “GUIDELINES AND RULES: AN INTRODUCTION TO CABLE MAINTENANCE,” SIGNED BY OFFENDER ON OR WITHIN ONE WEEK OF COMMENCING DAY OF EMPLOYMENT]. AS OF ONE HALF HOUR PRIOR TO GIVEN STATEMENT, HOSPITAL BILLS, AS RECORDED BY SIBLEY HOSPITAL OFFICES OF ACCOUNTS AND FINANCES, ARE IN EXCESS OF $1,300.00. VICTIM’S INSURANCE (BCBS) NOT A PREFERRED PROVIDER AT SIBLEY HOSPITAL, NO CO-PAY ACCEPTED, CLIENT MUST PAY BILL IN FULL. CLIENT WISHES TO BYPASS CIVIL CHARGES ON OFFENDER AND BRING LAWSUITS AGAINST SSX CABLE CO AND CLEARCHANNEL CORPORATION, UNDER CHARGES SIMILAR TO DEPICTIONS STATED IN THIS ACCOUNT, ASKING DEFENDANTS FOR PAYENT IN FULL OF ALL MEDICAL CHARGES IN ADDITION TO PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL DAMAGES, WHICH WOULD BE TRANSLATED INTO A MONETARY AMOUNT THAT THE COURT SEES AS FIT. SSX CABLE CO AND CLEARCHANNEL REFUSE SETTLEMENT AT PRESENT TIME BECAUSE NONE OF THE OFFENDER WERE EMPLOYED BY SSX CABLE COMPANY AT THE TIME OF THE INCIDENT. AS OF 10:39AM EST, 18 MARCH, 2001, WHEREABOUTS OF CRIMINAL OFFENDER REMAIN UNKNOWN BY ANY LOCAL, STATE, OR FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES, AS WELL AS BY CONTACTED RELATIVES, COLLEAGUES, AND OTHER PERSONS ASSOCIATED WITH OFFENDER.
:::::::: Apartment building “A” of the 1400 block of V street, beautiful brownstone, balconies lining the side, each equipped with chairs and side tables composed of generic plastics. Various outdoor furnishings, most consisting of hanging plants, side-rail garden boxes. Weather typical of March, mid-Atlantic region, cool, temperature drifts between 50 and 51 degrees during the course of the incident. The sun spends about 32.6676% of time behind altocumulus clouds coursing between 12,000 and 14,000 feet above ground level.
Van is double-parked, hazard lights turned on and in working order, 49 feet from front entrance to the apartment building, double-doors, reinforced glass. No doorman, no elevator attendant. P. the Saboteur has a black case, measurements 20×16×8 inches, hard-shell plastic, no brand identification. The elevator is located in the back left corner of the lobby of apartment building “A,” carpeted in green and off-blue patterned plaid, a maple wood paneling and above, several mirrors, rectangular, long side vertical, all attached to themselves. SMARTMAN peers into a mirror from 2 1/2 feet away before approaching the elevator; he shifts his head from right to left and closes his eyes for 14 seconds. During this period he continues to move his eyebrows by furrowing and un-furrowing his brow. A whistle is blown and the sound comes from the slightly parted lips of P. the Saboteur, who is, at present, standing between the open doors of previously stated elevator, pressing against each side of the elevator doorway with his palms extending over the 8” space reserved for the oscillating doors of said elevator. The elevator is boarded and re-opens on floor 3 of apartment building “A,” presenting two walkways leading in opposite directions. The carpeting here is a different color from the previous location, deep gray, and there are no mirrors lining the walls, occasionally a reprint of highly recognizable artwork, origins in Europe around 19th century, all of genre commonly known as “Impressionism.”
FOR CLARITY AND CONSISTENCY IN THIS STATEMENT, THE EMPLOYEE WILL BE REFERENCED AS TEAM D THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THIS STATEMENT. HOWEVER, IN THIS CASE, IT IS NECESSARY TO REMEMBER THAT NONE OF THE EMPLOYEE WERE ACTUALLY EMPLOYED BY SSX CABLE CO AT THIS TIME, AND THEREFORE THE TITLE, “TEAM D,” HAS NO OFFICIAL MEANING, BUT RATHER IS ONLY A DEVICE THAT WILL BE USED THROUGHOUT THIS STATEMENT FOR THE SAKE OF BREVITY.
Team D turns to the right and heads four doors down the hallway. One painting is passed. SMARTMAN, who is not at present time carrying any objects in either hand, knocks on a door labeled as “805,” and 12 seconds pass before footsteps can be heard on the other side of said door and 1.8 seconds pass before said door swings open revealing a woman, 36 years of age, height 5’6”. She dresses herself in cloth that is primarily cotton, and of the colors beige, white, and auburn. A few accessories are displayed: one necklace, gold, miniscule links, pendant hanging against chest; one ring, right ring finger, silver, thin lines engraved and encircling.
— Subtly classy, not trashy — P. the Saboteur studies said jewelry extensively for 6 seconds with intrigue, during which SMARTMAN dictates the code of conduct for introducing one’s self to a client, as stated in the SSX Cable Co Handbook, “Guidelines and Rules: An Introduction to Cable Maintenance.” (II.i.a.: Introduce yourself to the client politely and explain that you are here in response to the client’s request. II.i.b.: Explain to the client the various services you are capable of performing at the present time and ask him/her which of these services best fits what they would like you to perform). The female client presents to the three members of Team D, who are standing within a foot of the open doorway, a sheet provided to her by SSX Cable Co upon installation of cable which contains a list of television channels which Female Client believes she is entitled to. She hands this to SMARTMAN, who with aid of reading glasses, +1.75, uses his enhanced eyesight to scan and comprehend each channel on said list.
— Clearly this list accurately reflects the wide variety of entertainment sources you may or may not be entitled to — SMARTMAN takes one step forward, moving 14 inches closer to Female Client and extends the sheet toward her in such a way as to imply he no longer has use for it.
— There’s something wrong with my box. I can’t get 36 and 47. I’m paying for them, but I’m not getting them. The guy on the phone said you guys would have a look and could fix it for me — Female Client has blonde hair and it has recently been curled. Unsure if color is natural or artificial, but it bears close resemblance to sand found on beaches in the mid-Atlantic coastal region. She is thin an frail, but speaks assertively, yet the structure and word choice of aforementioned question reflects a certain unfamiliarity with the topic.
— Come prepared, leave repaired — P. the Saboteur aligns himself with the doorway entrance and trails 3 feet behind Female Client, who leads Team D through two corridors, diagonal, 5 feet in width.
AT THIS POINT IN THE STATEMENT IT SHOULD BE KNOWN THAT THE EMPLPOYEE OF SSX CABLE CO, WHO WERE NOT IN FACT PRESENTLY EMPLOYED BY SSX CABLE CO, OBTAINED THE INFORMATION OF AFOREMENTIONED PROBLEM WITH FEMALE CLIENT’S BOX BY SMARTMAN, WHO WAS FORMERLY AN EMPLOYEE OF SSX CABLE CO, AND USING METHODS WHICH MAY BE CONSIDERED UNLAWFUL, CAME INTO POSSESSION OF FEMALE CLIENT’S COMPLAINT WITH PREVIOUSLY STATED BOX PROVIDED TO HER BY SSX CABLE CO, A SUBSIDIARY OF CLEARCHANNEL CORPORATION. THE REST OF TEAM D HAS NEVER HAD ANY AFFILIATION WITH SSX CABLE CO AND/OR ITS PARENT COMPANY.
All of Female Client’s walls are cream colored, resemblance to Vanilla Yogurt produced by companies Yoplait, Dannon. Wall décor consists of portraits, persons pictured are most likely Female Client at a younger age, companions and relatives of Female Client (features found in portraits believed to be relatives which are similar to Female Client’s are small mouth, pronounced forehead). 3 such pictures were found throughout travel in previously stated corridors.
— The preservation of family and the memory are indications of a healthy lifestyle, as well as connotations to a stable personality and clearly set goals for one’s future aspirations — SMARTMAN takes 2 second pauses before moving past each picture, and gives each an understated nod.
During Team D’s movement from doorway to living room, a sequenced rattle emits from the black, hard-shell plastic case in the hand of P. the Saboteur, a crunching metallic sound which causes Female Client to turn her head in said case’s direction at one point throughout course of travel.
— That you guys’ tool box? — Female Client retains similar style of enunciation as stated earlier, and pronounced forehead shrinks and wrinkles as she forms questions.
— Tools ready, hands steady — P. the Saboteur takes exaggerated footsteps which cause his knees to bend forward at an angle of 42.6 degrees, until he and the rest of Team D stand motionless in the living room.
The living room is an approximate square, 15×20 feet. Furnishings include: one rug, red, appearance Persian in origin, possible heirloom; couch, brown hue, seating space for 3 persons of average weight/height; television, black, flat screen, 42”; child, 6 years of age, 3’9”, seated on couch with strong involvement in video game console, positioned below stated television. Extraneous details involving color of walls, décor, placement of windows remain similar or identical to previous details in this statement.
— Assessing the exact location of your box should be a relatively modest task in regards to our experience in this field of employment as well as general limitations on the distance allowed between box and television with respect to average cord and cable length and the luxury of having the box readily accessible should whereabouts of the preferred mode of interaction with box by use of remote be unknown —
— Timothy, could you please turn off your game so these men can fix the TV? —
SMARTMAN takes 8 steps towards the television and proceeds to lower himself to his knees, keeping his glasses aligned with the screen. The child moves from his former spot on said couch and presses a button on video game console, which creates a blink of static to manifest visually on the television screen, lasting approximately 0.12114 seconds, before the screen glows with black light. Said Child then exists the immediate area in to what may well have been a corridor or the kitchen.
IN REGARDS TO DETAILS THAT ARE NOT ELABORATED ON OR DEFINED SPECIFICALLY, IT MAY BE ASSUMED THAT THESE DO NOT CONTAIN ANY INFORMATION WHICH MAY BE OF USE IN UNDERSTANDING OR INTEPRETING THE INCIDENT STATED IN THIS ACCOUNT.
SMARTMAN lifts his right hand above his head and motions using index, middle, ring, and pinky fingers for the hard-shell, plastic case containing tools required to decipher and correct what may or may not have been a problem with Female Client’s box. P. the Saboteur replicates the 8 footsteps taken moments prior by SMARTMAN, with exception to the last 2 of these, which veered to the right as to place P. the Saboteur to one side of SMARTMAN.
— Screwdrivers are of course key in any situation involving skilled trade and/or labor, and they can sometimes be described as the keys to unlocking the inner workings of products of what some dub the technological age. They are, however, nothing without someone who possesses the degree of knowledge needed in order to unravel these secrets. Unlocking the door is one thing, knowing what is behind it is quite another —
— Have the tools, know the rules —
A Philips-head screwdriver is passed from the palm of P. the Saboteur to that of SMARTMAN, who in turn, upon determining the location of Female Client’s box, begins to extract 12 metal screws, each measuring 1/8 of an inch, places them on an area 2 inches by 5 inches on the television stand which has enough free space to provide for said screws. SMARTMAN, upon removing all 12 screws, begins to navigate the various wires and in/out jacks located inside Female Client’s box with said screwdriver. P. the Saboteur has positioned himself on the floor in such a way as to make the transfer of tools from the case to the hand of SMARTMAN a modest task, and I stand 3.76 feet behind them, with my arms crossed across my chest so as to place my hands on either side of my ribcage, palms down.
From somewhere in Female Client’s apartment outside of this statement’s essential area of focus, wails close in resemblance to cries from a small-breed dog with severed tendons come to the attention of Team D’s sense of hearing. Moments later, the voice of Female Client is addressing what is assumed at that point in time to be the moans of Said Child, due to the soft and elongated vowels in the enunciation of Female Client’s sentences. Both crying assumed to be Said Child’s and the voice of Female Client begin to draw nearer to Team D’s present location until both Said Child are located at the periphery of the living room and in clear view of Team D.
— I’m sorry guys, he fell and hurt himself. I hope this isn’t too much of a bother, I just need some space to take care of him. It’s a small apartment —
Said Child, who is dressed in a white shirt, collared, Ralph Lauren logo stitched into the left breast, and shorts, khaki, above the knee, is put down by Female Client on the floor of the living room. From a swollen, cherry-colored abrasion on Said Child’s shin, a minute amount of blood trickles in 3 distinct paths down Said Child’s calf.
— The trials of maternity are wearing and at times anguishing, but nonetheless worthwhile in the grand scheme of what we as human beings hope to accomplish in our delicate lifetimes — SMARTMAN directs this statement to both P. the Saboteur and myself, and both of us nod our heads in silent response.
At that point in time, Female Client has retrieved several paper-towels, quilted with pattern indentation for stylistic as well as practical purposes, and she begins to swab the bleeding abrasion on Said Child’s shin. SMARTMAN rips three wires out of Female Client’s box, and using an appropriate percentage of lung capacity removes the wires from his outstretched palm by blowing air from lungs belonging to himself. P. the Saboteur is no longer in possession of the hard-shell case, rendering himself free of responsibility for the time being. His attention becomes focused on Female Client and Said Child exclusively, his eyes particularly devoted to the swabbing which at the time is still taking place.
— Strange urges, selfish purges — P. the Saboteur flexes both his knees restlessly, and raises his arms in parallel, vertical lines above his head, the results of which were separate and distinct sounds of synovial fluid releasing gasses from inside the joint capsules, causing both elbows to crack. In direct succession to this action, P. the Saboteur places himself upon his palms and kneecaps, which make contact with previously stated rug. At this junction it should be known that Female Client, Said Child, P. the Saboteur, SMARTMAN, and myself are all on previously stated rug.
— Supple flesh, young and fresh — P. the Saboteur crawls in what could only be described as lizard-like method at a steady speed of 2 feet per second toward Female Client and Said Child, with a viscous pool of saliva situated at the right crevice of his upper and lower lips. Female Client, who is facing P. the Saboteur, opens her small mouth and her eyes appear to grow and pulsate in a manner similar to a single beat of the human heart. It is a fair estimate to say that a total of 3.98 seconds pass before contact between P. the Saboteur and Said Child occurs.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT ALTHOUGH THERE IS NO DEFINITE WAY OF KNOWING WHETHER THE OFFENDER’S MOUTH WAS OPEN DURING THE COURSE OF TRAVEL BETWEEN OFFENDER’S PREVIOUS LOCATION IN THE LIVING ROOM AT THE TIME DIRECTLY BEFORE THE INCIDENT OCCURRED AND THE TIME OF THE ATTACK ON THE VICTIM, IT SEEMS TO BE A FAIR CONFLUSION, JUDGING FROM AFOREMENTIONED DETAILS ABOUT THE PHYSICAL EXPRESSION ON VICTIM’S PARENT AND/OR LEGAL GUARDIAN THAT OFFENDER DID IN FACT HAVE HIS/HER MOUTH OPEN IN TIME OF QUESTION.
— Smooth flowing, easy going —
P. the Saboteur leaves six 1/4 inch teeth marks in the thigh of Said Child, who then bleeds onto a rug most likely crafted in what was formerly called Jafayyah, and very expensive. The rug is red and so is the blood — smooth flowing, easy going — and in this case no financial hits should be taken against P. the Saboteur. In such a respect, civil courts may be kept at bay. A microfilm of Said Child’s thigh-flesh wedges between teeth 0, 1, in P. the Saboteur’s mouth.
— He’s hardly a baby, at such a height and other proportions relevant — SMARTMAN is on his feet and is gripping the handle of the hard-shell case, now closed. Aforementioned quotation in regards to the virulent, panicked cries — my baby, my baby — from Female Client, who rips at her auburn shirt, cotton consistency, in urgent attempts to blot at Said Child’s wounds. I am intrigued by P. the Saboteur’s use of violence toward Said Child, who as previously mentioned, is small and appears defenseless; however, having no such urges myself, I do not take part in P. the Saboteur’s actions. Female Client’s screams continue to fill the space within Team D’s ears, and this has the effect of calling all members of Team D to grin.
— That’s quite an ineffective solution. Gauze, sanitizing alcohol; these are the tools the mother in a predicament such as yours should obtain — SMARTMAN’s knuckles produce a similar cracking sound as P. the Saboteur’s elbows, upon a compression of one fist into an open palm. In direct succession to this, SMARTMAN’s outstretched, right index finger points in the direction of the originally traversed corridor. P. the Saboteur rises to his feet, using his bare forearm to shield himself from the uncontrolled swatting of Female Client’s right hand. After distancing himself appropriately, he wipes several patches of Said Child’s blood from the area adjacent to his mouth.
— Surely your tendencies toward cannibalism will cause you to find yourself constantly loathed by fellow members of your species, however in a case such as this I shall merely shrug it off as an amusing anecdote to spend several evenings regurgitating to acquaintances at establishments whose function is specifically geared toward the entertainment and enjoyment of its patrons —
— High entertainment, equal payment —
— I’m calling the cops you fucking animals! You fucking… get the fuck away from me! Get away from me you fucking —
— All work subjected to your box has been appropriately and correctly dealt with, in accordance with the corresponding sections of SSX Cable Co’s employee handbook, “Guidelines and Rules: An Introduction to Cable Maintenance.” An invoice detailing all charges and costs resulting from this appointment will be mailed to the address listed under the provided name filed in SSX Cable Co’s database. This completes all obligations required during appointment hours by SSX Cable Co employees, therefore allowing my co-workers and myself to grant your request —
SMARTMAN leads Team D down the 2 diagonal corridors which, upon passing through, reveal the door originally entered in the earlier portion of this statement. SMARTMAN opens aid door and exits apartment number 805 in apartment building “A,” and he is followed by myself and lastly P the Saboteur, who closes the door in 2.234 seconds ::::::::::
THIS CONCLUDES THE STATEMENT AND SHOULD POSSESS ALL RELEVANT DETAILS AND DESCRIPTIONS OF EVENTS TAKING PLACE 16 MARCH, 2001, INVOLVING MRS. MARIE PIERDENT AND SON, 1400 BLOCK OF V STREET, NW WASHINGTON DC, 20006. IT SHOULD HEREBY BE STATED THAT ALL ACTIONS DEPICTED IN THIS STATEMENT BE VIEWED AS ACCURATE AND WITNESSED DIRECTLY BY MYSELF. IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STATEMENT WILL BE OF USE IN AIDING IN THE CAPTURE OF AFOREMENTIONED OFFENDER, AS WELL AS DECIDE APPROPRIATE MEASURES AND REPERCUSSIONS TAKEN AGAINST AFOREMENTIONED OFFENDER SHOULD OFFENDER BE APPREHENDED BY WHATEVER PERSONNEL WHO MAY OR MAY NOT COME TO OBTAIN THIS STATEMENT.
Sincerely,
Graham D. Fortier
This piece originally appeared in Volume II of the student magazine The Little Jackie Paper, published in 2005-2006.